An Obituary

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 The Candy Perfume Boy

There are two topics we avoid like the plague — death and taxes.  Well, one topic.  But we have recently learned of the passing of an icon so noteworthy that, although we are sure it’s already common knowledge, we feel compelled to post this moving April 19, 2012 obituary by Chicago Tribune reporter Rex W. Huppke:

Facts, 360 B.C.-A.D. 2012

In memoriam: After years of health problems, Facts has finally died. 

A quick review of the long and illustrious career of Facts reveals some of the world’s most cherished absolutes: Gravity makes things fall down; 2 + 2 = 4; the sky is blue.

But for many, Facts’ most memorable moments came in simple day-to-day realities, from a child’s certainty of its mother’s love to the comforting knowledge that a favorite television show would start promptly at 8 p.m.

Over the centuries, Facts became such a prevalent part of most people’s lives that Irish philosopher Edmund Burke once said: “Facts are to the mind what food is to the body.”

To the shock of most sentient beings, Facts died Wednesday, April 18, after a long battle for relevancy with the 24-hour news cycle, blogs and the Internet. Though few expected Facts to pull out of its years-long downward spiral, the official cause of death was from injuries suffered last week when Florida Republican Rep. Allen West steadfastly declared that as many as 81 of his fellow members of the U.S. House of Representatives are communists.

Facts held on for several days after that assault — brought on without a scrap of evidence or reason — before expiring peacefully at its home in a high school physics book. Facts was 2,372.

“It’s very depressing,” said Mary Poovey, a professor of English at New York University and author of “A History of the Modern Fact.” “I think the thing Americans ought to miss most about facts is the lack of agreement that there are facts. This means we will never reach consensus about anything. Tax policies, presidential candidates. We’ll never agree on anything.”

Facts was born in ancient Greece, the brainchild of famed philosopher Aristotle. Poovey said that in its youth, Facts was viewed as “universal principles that everybody agrees on” or “shared assumptions.”

But in the late 16th century, English philosopher and scientist Sir Francis Bacon took Facts under his wing and began to develop a new way of thinking.

“There was a shift of the word ‘fact’ to refer to empirical observations,” Poovey said.

Facts became concrete observations based on evidence. It was growing up.

Through the 19th and 20th centuries, Facts reached adulthood as the world underwent a shift toward proving things true through the principles of physics and mathematical modeling. There was respect for scientists as arbiters of the truth, and Facts itself reached the peak of its power.

But those halcyon days would not last.

People unable to understand how science works began to question Facts. And at the same time there was a rise in political partisanship and a growth in the number of media outlets that would disseminate information, rarely relying on feedback from Facts.

“There was an erosion of any kind of collective sense of what’s true or how you would go about verifying any truth claims,” Poovey said. “Opinion has become the new truth. And many people who already have opinions see in the ‘news’ an affirmation of the opinion they already had, and that confirms their opinion as fact.”

Though weakened, Facts managed to persevere through the last two decades, despite historic setbacks that included President Bill Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky, the justification for President George W. Bush’s decision to invade Iraq and the debate over President Barack Obama’s American citizenship.

Facts’ ailing mother, Reality, remains in critical condition in a Salt Lake City hospice, with her daughters Truth and Clarity by her side. On behalf of herself and her sister, Clarity issued this statement early today: “This has been a long struggle for us.  We lost Curiosity more than thirty years ago.  With our brother gone, we’re finished — we won’t be able to carry on much longer.  Right now, we’re just hoping Mom can hang in there.”

Mary Poovey could not be reached for comment.

ARC, JMH — 4/27/12

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3 Responses to An Obituary

  1. Joe says:

    Your blog is most awesome. I wonder if you can make a post / refute to the Jack Welch inspired “vitality Curve” management style? – This is about the 20% top “performers” to be rewarded extremely, 70% normal performers to be ignored and 10% underperformers to fire, like every year. I think this is about as ineffective as it goes and inhumane on top. Can you make a post on this topic? – Thanks, Joe

    • Thanks, Joe: Jack Welch inspired a whole generation of cutthroat venture capitalism. It’s ironic that G.E.’s current C.E.O., Jeffrey Immelt, heads President Obama’s job creation team. Immelt is regarded as having a more “collaborative” approach than Welch, willing to tolerate lower profits and more gradual change. But I worry that G.E. does not pay any income taxes and continues to trade subsidiaries for financial gain.

      • Joe says:

        Jack Welch’ legacy is all smoke and mirrors IMO. The legendary “profitablity” at GE under his tenure came from a) understating risk at the GE Reinsurance business with creative accounting and by heavily growing GE Finance with junk loans that later blew up and required GE to be bailed out by the government of the people. His luck was that the problems stayed hidden while he was still in office. (Like how much Pres. Bush would have liked his term to end in 2006, doesn’t he?) – But then to have the guts (or loss of sense of reality?) to write a book about how great he was as a CEO and his managerial philosophy… hmmmm… priceless.

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